It’s that wonderful time of year again where society not only allows you to leave your house dressed like an idiot, it’s actually encouraged. Take advantage of it, America. It’s Halloween, and it’s your chance to shine for the big burning ball of stupid we all always knew you could be. So just like two years ago, when I shared some helpful hints on costumes you could dress your kids up in if you wanted to see them get their underwear pulled up over their heads, and one year ago, when I did the same for ways to dress your dog up so he could be kicked like a football by strangers, this year I have some tips for Halloween outfits that will get you duct taped to a lamp post and beaten with a reed.this year I have some tips for Halloween outfits that will get you duct taped to a lamp post and beaten with a reed. Assuming you’re into that kind of thing.

1. An Outhouse

As a general rule of thumb, it’s never a good idea to go with any costume that encourages people to pee on you.

2. Chick Magnet

“No, see, it’s a giant magnet, and at the end there’s a bunch of chicks. So it’s a magnet that attracts chicks. A chick magnet! See, you get it? Chick. Magnet. You know what, screw the whole lot of you.”

3. Bozo the Clown

Oh, God, no! Don’t let it kill me!

4. The Love Guru

Hey, who remembers that movie nobody saw this summer? Well, that’s me!

5. Napoleon Dynamite

You know, I recall seeing Napoleon Dynamite, but I don’t recall him having had Frankenstein boots. Or a clown tie. Or white pancake makeup. I must not have been paying attention, I guess.

6.Spongebob Squarepants with removable pants

Just in case you’ve ever harbored any fantasies of performing a sexy strip tease in a Spongebob outfit, this one’s the way to go. Although I should warn you, if that is something you’ve ever wanted to do, they do make fantastic medications for that these days.

7. Clifford the Big Red Dog

Words fail me.

8. The Thing

There are many descriptors I can think of for this costume, but fantastic is not one of them. Although compared to the Fantastic Four movies, this is far superior.

9. Speed Racer

Please refer back to number 4.

10. Dog the Bounty Hunter

If your heart’s desire is to dress up as a shirtless racist with a mullet for Halloween, I feel it’s fair to advise you that you don’t need a costume to do that. You can be like this all the time. Just move to Kentucky. And by all means, please do.

So that’s that. Happy Halloweening and what not. Just remember, tomorrow the costume comes off and the world sees you for what you really are. But for tonight, relish your inner sexy Spongebob. It’s probably the only chance you’ll get to all year.