Ground Zero: Deep Douchebag Impact
By Erik Hagen • Aug 14th, 2009 • Category: General Sod, Sod that is bad
First off, I should probably apologize for having exposed you to the image you are now witnessing. If I were a nicer person, I wouldn’t have done that. But it’s a Friday, and I’ve got nothing better to write about, so LET’S DISCUSS THIS PICTURE UNTIL WE BLEED.
In case you weren’t able to make out what’s happening in this photograph before your eyeballs started to melt out of your skull, that’s Kid Rock, Dane Cook and Jeremy Piven. Together. All in the same shot. Never before has such an alignment of douchebaggery come together in one place, and someone actually had a camera to record it. It’s almost beautiful, in a way. A terrible, horrible way.
So this photo was first shared with the world by Dane Cook on, of course, his f’ing Twitter (NOTE: to see Dane Cook’s tweets, you have to first be a Dane Cook follower, which I don’t suggest, because it’s fucking Dane Cook). Then it was re-tweeted by The Piv later in the night, as clearly seen here:
Nailing down 2am Vegas style. Dear God in heaven.
So let’s play a little game here. Like one of those games where you try to locate everything that’s different between two pictures, let’s instead try to count all the douche located in this picture, besides the fact that it’s a picture of Jeremy Piven, Dane Cook and Kid Rock.
1. Kid Rock is being his usual patented and trademarked anti-authority self by flipping off the camera. It’s his way of saying “I make a lot of money in spite of lacking any decipherable level of talent as a musician. Fuck you.”
2. Dane Cook is doing his goddamn double finger thing, which wasn’t funny five years ago and still ain’t funny. But keep trying, jackass. I’m sure it’ll catch on any year now. Also, please note the giant “D” ring Dane Cook is sporting. It doesn’t necessarily have to stand for Douchebag, but you know it does.
3. & 4. Matching fedoras. One can only hope they called each other the night before to set that up.
5. Jeremy Piven’s entire face. Don’t you just want to put your fist into it? Like a lot? It’s pretty much all I can think about right now.
6. This is either Piven’s cell phone or a throwing star. Please, God, let it be a throwing star. I need to think that Jeremy Piven is walking around Las Vegas with Dane Cook and Kid Rock carrying throwing stars for some unknown reason.
I missed a few things. Like Dane Cook’s professionally cleaned teeth and buttoned-down shirt and Piven’s attempt to both flip the bird and do the double finger, because he’s a John Kerry-like flip-flopper. Also please notice the lady on the far right hand side in the background, who is witnessing this whole thing firsthand. Please, say a prayer for her well-being tonight.
Okay, I’m finished. I’m sorry for having exposed you to this. It’s just that in order for this nation to survive, it’s imperative that we look our monsters in the face and say to them, “Dude, the glare from your teeth is blinding me. Could you please shut your mouth?” We’ll get through this, people. One day at a time.
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Erik Hagen is comprised of equal parts X and Y chromosomes, snips, snails, puppy dog tails, and a whole lot of water. He was born into this world covered in blood, naked, and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.
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