I wouldn’t categorize myself as anti-nut. I enjoy peanuts in moderation. I like the occasional candy walnut with my occasional salad. I’m not a nut racist. I’m friendly with nuts. I’ve eaten my fair share of peanut brittle.

It’s just that I object outright to the unnecessary use of nuts in food. Not everything needs to be injected with nuts. The world needs to be saved from dumb assholes who sneak crushed up walnuts into their chocolate chip cookies and brownies. That shit’s just rude.

Deez Nuts! (sorry, couldn't help myself)

Seriously, what is wrong with people? Chocolate chip cookies are eaten because they’re filled with chocolate, not nuts. Brownies are delicious because they’re, again, chocolate. People like chocolate, not covert, undercover nuts.

Think about M&Ms. There are many varieties of them; plain, peanut butter, crispy, peanut and…almond. Now, let’s say that you’re at a party and someone has a bowl of M&Ms sitting on a table with the rest of the snacks. You walk over and, being understandably excited, grab a handful. M&Ms are awesome, why wouldn’t you want some? But with your first bite, you discover that the M&Ms that you grabbed weren’t delicious like you assumed, they’re Almond M&Ms. That’s gross. No one likes almonds in their candy. Unless you go out and intend to buy a Almond Joy or something, almonds are just unwanted. Just like pistachios or hazelnuts.

What it basically comes down to, for me, is that nuts are fine, certain nuts of course, in moderation. Peanuts in Snickers bars are okay, I guess. But when people put walnuts in their brownies or in their chocolate chip cookies or even in their banana bread, they’re just assholes. Yes, that includes you, grandma. (just kidding, my grandmother knows better than to pull shit like that, she’s cool)