We all receive e-mail SPAM. It’s become a fact of life, just like credit card offers and those Publisher’s Clearing House mailers.

How did we get to this point? I mean, I was fine with getting hassled about the possibility of winning a million dollars or getting a LOW LOW LOW 15.9% introductory rate on a Donald Duck Visa card. At least when I got those mailers, I had paper to start a fire with or make into a squadron of paper airplanes. I get neither of those things with e-mail SPAM. It has no redeemable value.

Sure, the constant offers to “give me a bigger wang to please my lady” and the enticing “a bigger penis will open new exciting horizons of sensual pleasure for you” are great and all, but they just don’t cut it. Apparently, when you don’t respond to the positive offers they send out, they get nasty and degrading. “Say goodbye to failure and loneliness” and “don’t you think it’s time you stopped being a loser with a tiny penis?” aren’t exactly the nicest things you could say to someone to get them to try your product. But, I’m sure these folks have done their research. They know the score.

It’s not all about my penis size, though. They also come at me with offers of a “great online casino where you can win big $$$!!!” and the oddly intriguing “be in style.”

Sometimes they even have tangible goods to offer, like “exclusive watches, name quality rolex” and “luxury is now affordable, with your new BMW.”

I actually find it staggering that these Spammers think that people will respond to stuff like this. Wait, no….I guess I should find it staggering that people MUST respond to stuff like this.

I was an Advertising major in college and we had it beat over our heads that the message has to fit the audience, not the other way around. You cannot try to sell something to someone who doesn’t need it and has no reason to want it. There has to be an angle to take or a desire on the part of the consumer that coincides with the product being offered.

In this case, Spammers apparently assume that everyone, irregardless of age, social status or even sex wants a “bigger willy.” While I won’t go so far as to argue their point, I will point out that most people who use the Internet regularly and have even the slightest clue won’t fall for their ploy. Conversely, those who aren’t web-savvy, like say, my grandmother (who also gets offers to increase her penis size) are too wary of the perils of the internets, with it’s tubes and everything, to open those messages.

But somewhere, someone must be opening these things. Someone must want a bigger willy enough to think that an e-mail from an anonymous entity could provide it. Someone must have an unquenchable desire to win easy $$$ at an online casino. Someone has to want a “name quality rolex” enough to think that this person they don’t know has no ulterior motive in their vague offer. Somewhere, someone has to be that stupid.