Today is finally the last day of the wretched bastard year 2008, and it couldn’t have come one second sooner. Which is why it’s unfortunate that the so-called “scientists,” in all of their inherent wickedness, have added an additional second to today and consequently made the year that much longer. So of all the years dating back to whenever this whole universe thing started, they pick this year, 2008, to artificially prolong.

Why does this anger me so? I’ll tell you why. One more second of 2008 means another agonizing second of having to put up with all of the following bullshit:

Rod Blagojevich

I have a working theory that you can judge the general worth of a person as a human being by the distance between their toupee and their eyebrows. My basis for this particular theory is this shithead who, near as I can tell, may possibly be both the stupidest and most dickish son-of-a-bitch ever born. In the Shakespearean tragedy that was 2008, Rod Blogojevich was the buffoonish side character who popped up between acts to keep the audience from wanting to kill themselves.

Gas Prices

Earlier this year, gas prices were so damn high that I was pawning off my English tea pot collection just so I could afford to drive to work. And I was, at that time, assured that gas prices would remain that high forever and forever, up until they ran out of oil and all the fightin’ and burnin’ started. Now, however, gas is so cheap that I’m considering buying a Hummer and peeing on every endangered species I come upon in my travels. As 2009 approaches, I’m left with the question of what happens next? Does gas get so cheap that eventually the gas stations will be throwing giant gasoline balloons at me as I drive by, or will the prices rebound back to their previous second mortgage-requiring levels? Just to be on the safe side, I’m investing all my money into giant vats of gasoline that I’m storing in my basement, right next to my flamethrower and used rag collection, which I’ll use to protect my gasoline from vagrants once the prices go up again. This is a fool-proof plan.

Pretty Much The Entire Election

It’s now just about two months after the election, and I still have no idea why John McCain was running for President. Does anyone know? I think he said something about fighting socialism, which would have been a jim dandy platform in 1962. This year, turns out, not so good.

Mitt Romney

Yeah, that’s right. I wanna still talk about Mitt Romney. I refuse to drop the subject. Have you seen this asshole? Could scientists have ever created a more perfect representation of a sleazebag politician than this greasy bastard? And he’s a real person! He actually exists! Why doesn’t anyone want to talk about Mitt Romney anymore? Come on! Look at him!

Britney Spears’ Comeback

While my inner seventeen-year-old is pleased as piss that Britney Spears is back to being attractive again, the downside of her getting back into shape and doing a better job of covering up what a complete nutjob she is is that I have to return to hearing to her shitty, shitty music once again. Aren’t flash in the pans supposed to eventually burn out? How much longer must I suffer?

The Nano-pacalypse

Mind you, this only first happened this morning, but it is so ridiculously awful that it bears mentioning. As if Zune owners hadn’t already suffered enough by just being Zune owners, they now all woke up this morning to discover that collectively, every single Zune in the entire country simultaneously stopped working. Microsoft is displaying ineptitude usually only seen in Wile E. Coyote cartoons. I mean, sure, every XBox 360 currently on the market is also capable of ceasing to function at any given second too, but at least they have the decency of not doing it all at exactly the same time.

George W. Bush

Let’s face it. The only thing anyone remembers this idiot doing all year was having some guy throw his shoes at him, and based on this little factoid, I can safely say that this was easily the best and brightest goddamn year of his presidency. Which means that the only two things that will be remembered with anything other than agape horror about the Bush years was the President getting pelted with shoes and the Vice President shooting a guy in the face. The funny thing is that if 2008 Erik Hagen could somehow relay this fact back in time to 2000 Erik Hagen, I don’t think 2000 Erik Hagen would be all that surprised to hear it.

Dane Cook’s Brother Steals Millions From Him

Again, another thing that just happened today, but you have to admit, it is beyond awful to find out that Dane Cook at one point had millions of dollars. I mean, seriously, why?

This Guy

Yeah, him. I don’t know who this guy is or what he claims to do, but I’ve seen him somewhere on TV before and I just want to fucking hit him with something.

Chinese Democracy

Oh, Axl. Eighteen years and your album still sucked. But you finally put it out, and managed to show the world that you still had the ability to debut at number three and then quickly fall right off the charts. But don’t worry, pal. I still love ya, and in your honor, I’m saving my free can of Dr. Pepper for eighteen years before I drink it, secure in the knowledge that waiting that long will just make me anticipate drinking it that much more. Also, just like your shitty album, that Dr. Pepper will be as flat as hell.

The Economy

So have you ever eaten a handful of dirt before, in a vain attempt to just stay alive? If you haven’t or aren’t currently, you might want to start practicing. You’re gonna need to know how to do that about this time next year.

And that’s why this year was a flaming mound of suck and I can’t bear the thought of it being even one second longer. Which is why I’m going to bed right now. So long, everybody. See you in 2009.

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