A Tribute To The Longest Blog Post Ever Written.
By Erik Hagen • May 16th, 2008 • Category: General Sod, Sod that is good
I know what you’re thinking. You’ve been wondering where I’ve been, counting down the days since last I wrote a blog. What’s it been, like two or three months? Something like that. Anyway, I can explain everything. Here’s what happened.
Sometime a while back, I had an idea. An ambitious idea. I was going to write The Longest Blog Post Ever Written. Not really knowing how long the existing Longest Blog Post Ever Written was, and not knowing where to look to discover this info, I decided there was only one safe way to claim the title of The Longest Blog Post Ever Written – to write an entry so long that no other post could possibly be as long.
So for 28 consecutive days, I wrote in one continuous string, not stopping for sleep or food or, at certain points, even to breathe. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote, each day my beard getting longer and longer until it eventually grew so long that it folded atop my keyboard in a comical fashion. I wrote a post so long that the scroll bar on this page stretched somewhere around eighteen feet. I wrote so much that I wore 2/5th of an inch from each finger. I covered every subject I could think of – music, movies, politics, religion, biographical details of my life and times in the second through third grades, food reviews, detailed descriptions of my socks, a detailed thesis on William Faulkner’s seminal novel Light In August, a psychological profile of Britney Spears’ children, a fully thought out and researched explanation of the meaning of life and two separate accounts of the time I met Tom Selleck (For those who don’t know, he’s a really nice guy). It was glorious. It was awe-inspiring. It was, with absolutely no hyperbole whatsoever, THE LONGEST BLOG POST EVER WRITTEN.
And then I accidentally deleted it when I bumped into my mouse with my elbow and closed my browser window.
So that’s why I haven’t blogged for a while. Because I was writing The Longest Blog Post Ever Written. Which makes this post that you are reading A Tribute To The Longest Blog Post Ever Written. It is, itself, not The Longest Blog Post Ever Written, because as you can clearly see, it’s actually rather short. That’s because it’s A Tribute To The Longest Blog Post Ever Written. Also, it’s kind of a rip-off of a Tenacious D song. But that’s what happens when you write The Longest Blog Post Ever Written for four weeks straight and then accidentally delete it. It makes you slightly crazy and kind of a plagiarist.
Also, here’s a monkey washing a kitty. I hope we can be friends again someday.
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Erik Hagen is comprised of equal parts X and Y chromosomes, snips, snails, puppy dog tails, and a whole lot of water. He was born into this world covered in blood, naked, and slightly hysterical. Very little has changed since.
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I heard that The Longest Blog Post Ever Written was so awesome that it’s awesomeness cannot be properly measured on any scale of awesomeness yet devised by man or beast. Is this in fact true?
This is true. In fact, The Longest Blog Post Ever Written was so awesome, its sheer scope would have instantly turned this site into a massive black hole which would have, in less than 23 hours’ time, swallowed the entire Internet. Which, I would think, would have been quite the feather in our caps.
Oh well. Such is life.
Plus, had we swallowed the whole internet, then we’d be out of jobs. No jobs = no paychecks. We are getting paid, right?
Nah, the longest post would wind up on Digg and devour the bandwidth within 2 minutes of hitting the front page. Following that, it would be put on a mirror, that would be devoured, and that would be put on /b/, and /b/ will use up IT’S bandwidth, and everyone on /b/ will find something else to do, and within 24 hours, the Internet would di- nevermind.
I would have to agree with many of the comments made here as far as “The Longest ” would be concerned. It would have consumed a lot of bandwidth as well as cause people to be bored and disinterested. I did not see it but have heard about it here and there. Anyone actually ever see it.