In an effort to bring some femininity to this blog (and because I want desperately to fit in and have realized that I’m one of the only bloggers who has not given you a detailed minute-by-minute description of a slightly useless/life-changing event) I’m giving you a play-by-play of my most recent effort to create the world’s most fantastic chili, as voted on by my peers.

That’s right. I won something for somehow surviving the task I’m about to explain to you.

6:05 p.m. After boyfriend decides I should make chili, he triumphantly returns from grocery store with two different types of beans: Chili beans, normal, and chili beans, seasoned. He’s very excited about the possibilities.

6:07 p.m. Boyfriend advises that I not use the mesquite chili pepper, as last time this made chili too salty. I agree.

6:15 p.m. Ignore boyfriend and grab the mesquite chili pepper from cabinet to season the beef tips. Undo cap and lightly tap over beef.

6:16 p.m. Coughing and sneezing uncontrollably. Entire contents of mesquite chili pepper bottle have been dumped on beef tips, thus releasing a veritable mesquite chili pepper cloud. The bottle was not the kind with little holes condusive to tapping, but the kind with nothing but a cap.

6:17 p.m. Turn on overhead fan and mesquite pepper cloud shifts to other side of room. Boyfriend’s eyes begin to water. He is glaring at me. He knows.

6:18 p.m. Try to dig piles of mesquite pepper out of skillet as boyfriend begins walking towards kitchen. Thankfully, he’s become temporarily blinded and seems to be reaching for something to flush out his eyes and not to check on whether I’m responsible for mesquite cloud.

6:20 p.m. He knows. Catches me stuffing piles of mesquite pepper in my pockets in an effort to transfer the evidence discreetly from skillet to garbage can.

6:30 p.m. All is better. Cloud has settled into light dust over slick surfaces. Begin chopping chili peppers. Chili peppers are very juicy.

6:31 p.m. Hmm..my eye is kinda itch…HOLY GOD ALMIGHTY!!!!

6:32 - 6:40 p.m. Reduced to uncontrollable sobbing. One eye is completely red and continues to burn. Other eye is coated with mesquite cloud dust. Nose begins to itch. Must wash hands. Must wash hands. Must wash hands.

6:45 p.m. Hands washed. Scratch nose. Wash hands again.

7 p.m. Chili is well on its way. Boyfriend can see again. We both agree chili looks a little runny.  I find recipe that says powdered beef broth may help.

7:02 p.m. Realize we don’t have beef broth. Quick inventory shows we have powdered Au Jus Sauce, chicken broth, chicken brocolli soup mix and banana smoothies. Tough choice.

7:30 p.m. Chili is simmering perfectly. A quick taste test indicates that it is the saltiest, spiciest chili I have ever made. Could be the entire bottle of mesquite chili pepper and entire packet of Au Jus sauce, which is apparently 70 percent salt.

Next Day: Wins in six-person chili contest, mostly because chili is so hot and salty that judges drink at least three beers before writing comments. Someone comments on the two different chili beans. Others say it is very salty, but Americans like salty. Prize is large bottle of Kendall Jackson, which slips from my hands and shatters on the sidewalk on my way out. Pretty sure my coordination is still off due to mesquite pepper film over my brain and chili pepper juice in my eye.