Are you there, Internet? It’s me. Steven Colbert.

The responses I received to my first column here at the Sob Log have been overwhelming. Unfortunately, there is still a world of difference between “overwhelming” and “overwhelmingly good.” To start off with, I’ll reply to the most frequent query. I don’t know who this person is that most of you are confusing me with. I don’t watch television. More of a reader. So I don’t know who this other person is that you’re mistaking me with, other than tucking his name away for any future lawsuits for gimmick infringement. America, there are many things that Steven Colbert will put up with, but someone using my name and my opinions before I had a chance to is not one of them.

That out of the way, I realize that I may be a bit controversial for most tastes. On a website that seems to be overrunning with hippies, I admit to standing out a bit. But America, if blending in around here requires untucking my shirt, or eating the Cheetos, or smoking the marijuana cigarettes, or calling for the bloody overthrow of the capitalistic bourgeois , then I’ll have no part of it. Put that in your bong and smoke it.

Actually, on second thought, don’t do that. I feel I should stress that, as I don’t want to be responsible for anyone setting their computer on fire and getting high off the fumes. Dope is for dope, people.

America, I can no sooner disown the person that I am than I can disown the white collar community. If loving my country is wrong, than by God, I don’t want to be right. Except that I do want to be right. And I am right. Which means, by process of elimination, that everyone else is wrong. Which is why you need to read Colbert Country, as you are right now. Because I can tell you how to do things right, as opposed to the way you’re doing them now. I’m not a hero, per say, but I am a person that should be emulated and idolized. Also, parades would be nice, and maybe a statue. Just thinking out loud here.

So I hope that we’ve come to a better understanding of each other, you and I. Instead of focusing on our differences, why not instead celebrate what we have in common - being interested in the things that I have to say? In these troubled times, we can come together as Americans and say, “Hey, I like the cut of your jib, pal.” Because truly, if the Founding Fathers were still alive today, I’m reasonably certain they’d agree. Also, they would be very, very old.

Be strong, America. We’ll see you next time in Colbert Country.