Hello, America. How are you?

Don’t you know me? You should. For I’m your native son, Steven Colbert. And this is the first posting of the Colbert Country.

First of all, I should thank the good people here at the Bod Slog for having provided me with this forum. It is thanks to the generous donation of their valuable bandwidth that I now have access to an audience of literally hundreds, maybe even thousands of readers. So I don’t think it’s an exaggeration of any kind to say that they, truly, are the real heroes. For having given the gift of myself to you.

So what I want to do right now is to start a dialogue. America, I want to get a discussion going on the tough issues. We live in troubling times, where strong, courageous leaders have 19% approval ratings and socialists are still allowed to wander the streets freely. The world around us is changing every day, almost as if it were rotating on an axis and rocketing through space in a circular orbit around a large ball of flaming gas. Well, no more. We don’t need any more rotations. What we need is to stop right where we are, right here, right now, and figure out just what it is that’s wrong with our country and who we can blame for it.

I’m not pointing any fingers, but my arm is extended and somewhat pointed in your direction, Nancy Pelosi.

My friends, I’m not what you would consider an extremist. I just happen to believe that it would be in this country’s best interests to determine who our enemies are and then, Jack Bauer-style, pull their fingernails out until they’re not our enemies anymore. But too often in this country, there is always this rush to judgment, when instead, we don’t need judgment at all. We can skip that part altogether and just keep going with the rushing part. That means taking all of these America haters, finding a box that’s big enough to fit them all in (which, I imagine, will need to be a very big box), and ship them back to Canada, postage due. In a pinch, we could also hurl them into the sun. I don’t know which would be simpler. I’m not a scientist.

These are the kinds of things we not only need to be talking about, but what we will be talking about from now on. Because now, someone finally is able to login to the Internet and be given a sounding board for all their personal opinions. And that person is me, Steven Colbert. I look forward to the many, many discussions to come in the days ahead. And by discussion, I mean my posting my thoughts, you reading them, maybe adding your own comments, and then me deleting said comments if I don’t happen to agree with what you’re saying. Conversation the way that God intended it.

Vigilance, Colbert Country. Vigilance.