No Debate On Obama’s Hatred For Country
By Steven Colbert • Apr 18th, 2008 • Category: Colbert Country
It’s morning again in America. Rise and shine, country. This is your Wake Up Colbert.
The debate this last Wednesday between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton earned a viewership of 10 million viewers. Since my readership is roughly in that same neighborhood, I can safely assume that there’s some overlap. I can only hope that most to all of you were as excited by the debate as I was. Finally, a debate that got down to the real issues that I care about. Someone finally had the courage to get the candidates to devote themselves to the topics that are nearest and dearest to my heart.
Flag pins.
Country, these are troubling times that we live in. How can we as a nation possibly hope to defeat the terrorists if our own leader isn’t willing to show whose side he (or she) is on via a pin on their lapel? The safe answer is that we can’t possibly. So what possible issue could be more important than Barack Obama’s refusal to wear a flag pin on his collar? Sure, some of my more simple readers may argue that neither John McCain nor Hillary Clinton consistently wears a flag pin. But why should a John or a Hillary have to? They have earned the benefit of the doubt based upon who they are and what they look like for us to know right away their bona-fide Americanness. It’s a privilege that I myself enjoy. But for those of us who lack those credentials, that’s what the flag pins are for. It allows someone with the unfortunate luck to be born with a name like Barack Hussein Obama to show their love of country through some other means besides their skin color. If he refuses to wear it, then how can we possibly be assured that he’s not a Marxist? Obviously, we can’t.
So thank you, George Stephanopoulos, for providing the American people with the kinds of things we truly need to know about the Democratic candidates before we vote for John McCain over them. Thank you for an entire hour of focus on topics like Reverend Wright and the Weather Men and Tuzla and being bitter, before being forced to move on to less important, more boring subjects like the war in Iraq and the economy. And most of all, thank you for defying those who would believe that you would have tried to avoid seeming biased for the wife of the man you worked for for eight years by being as even and fair in your questioning as possible. You certainly showed them when you, instead, threw every single thing you could think of at her opponent, like any true patriot would. Although I am a bit upset that the topic of his bowling game never got brought up. I assume that you just ran out of time. Maybe save it for the general election debates.
But Mr. Stephanopoulos, I must take issue with the fact that while preparing for the debates, you turned to Sean Hannity for his suggestions. Now mind you, I’m not upset that you turned to one of this nation’s most brilliant minds for his insights. He most obviously delivered, as only a true genius could have suggested asking him about his ties to a terrorist group when he was only 8-years-old (they start so young, don’t they?). What upsets me is that you didn’t turn to me as well. You see, I also had a list of questions prepared for you to ask Mr. Obama which I think would have been quite perfect. So rather than let them go to waste, I thought I’d share them with you now. If you’d like to use them in the future for any other debate moderation of for use on This Week, feel free to do so. I consider them a contribution to the maintenance of this country’s greatness.
• Senator Obama, Senator Clinton has said that had she been a member of Reverend Wright’s church and she had heard him say those terrible things, she would have gladly strangled him to death with a length of piano wire. Senator, why did you choose not to do the same?
• Senator Obama, it has been discovered that a man you passed on the street eighteen years ago in Chicago was, in fact, the Windshield Wiper Serial Killer, who brutally murdered eighteen prostitutes with a rusty windshield wiper. Senator Obama, why did you kill all of those innocent people?
• Senator Obama, I happened to notice that you are, in fact, a black person. My question for you is this. What exactly is it you’re trying to pull?
• Senator Obama, based on your campaign to this point, would it be a fair statement to make that you hate all sixty-year-old white women?
• Senator Obama, I have here in my hand an American flag. Seeing it, is your first reaction one of reverence, or an urge to grab it from my hands and vomit all over it? Be honest.
• Senator Obama, would you agree that Senator Clinton looks particularly lovely tonight?
• Senator Obama, if asked to choose just one, which gangster rapper would you say is your most favorite?
• Senator Obama, your wife has gone on the record as stating that she has always hated this country with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns for as long as she can remember. Would it be fair to say that this trait is what attracted you to her in the first place?
• Senator Obama, if you were given the opportunity to, right now, bring out one of the skeletons in your closet and have it absolved immediately, sort of like a Get Out Of Jail Free card, which one would it be?
• Senator Obama, I have prepared a list of 75 superdelegates who are willing to come out in support of President, er… Senator Clinton right here, right now. How much begging and pleading are you willing to do in order to stop me?
• Senator Obama, is there any one reason why you hate America as much as you do?
I could go on and on, and I probably will as this election continues for the next twenty years. But for now, I will call it a day and let the rest of my compatriots in the national media do the job for me. Because if there’s one thing that we in the mass media like, it’s a challenge. And there’s no better challenge I can think of than taking a so-called “perfect candidate” and turning him into an effete, America-hating, elitist, racist, unelectable snob. Sure, it may not be the best thing for the country, but at least it’ll keep us entertained for the next eight months. Kind of like Sodoku.
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Oh please, most people don’t put their hands over their hearts either, and McCain’s plane didn’t have a flag on it at all! That doesn’t make ANY of those people unpatriotic, and only antagonistic robots would say otherwise.