Hello Country.

I’d like to talk to you today about the sad passing this past weekend of one of America’s greatest men, Charlton Heston. He has gone to that happy hunting ground. Yes, there are guns in heaven. You better work on your aim, godless liberal elites. There’s no confoundingly vague 2nd Amendment in heaven. Just happy people hunting unicorns with uzis. Arm yourselves.

Now, we all know that Mr. Heston was the President…of the National Rifle Association. But he didn’t need that distinction to prove that he was a man’s man. He played all the manliest roles. Moses, Ben-Hur, George Taylor. In fact, one could argue that he made those roles even more manly. Ben-Hur? When Heston played it, it was more like Ben-Him! Mr. Heston’s performances defy definition, so I’m going to make one up- mangasmtastic. My intern, Danny, assures me that no one has ever used that word to describe anything ever. Just another in a long series of firsts for yours truly.

Country, we’ve lost more than just a great actor and, dare I say, American Hero in Charlton Heston. America, without Charlton Heston, is now without it’s balls. You heard me right. We’re ball-less. John Wayne, Jack Palance, Robert Stack, Rock Hudson and now Charlton Heston. Men with names that sounded manly and tough who played gritty, salt-of-the-earth characters. Men that gave America it’s balls. Every last one of them is gone. It is indeed a sad day.

Now, I know what some of you are saying, “But Steven, what about Clint Eastwood, Mr. Pale Rider himself?” Well, in my book, once you do a movie with Meryl Streep about bridges located in Madison County, you’re out. No second chances.

Now that Hollywood is completely overrun with godless sodomites and George Clooney, America is in a desperate search for new cojones to give it that silver screen swagger again. I have just the man. He can chain-smoke through an entire lung like The Duke, do one-armed pushups like Palance, convey gravitas at will like Stack and has the manly tenderness of Rock Hudson. I’m of course talking about Pappa Badger himself, Glenn Beck-

Look at that visage. Those chiseled features. That swagger. That knowing glare. That’s a star that could have America once again proudly displaying it’s balls for the whole world to see. Sure, he doesn’t have any formal acting experience, but he’s a news man, he’s used to reading a script. Plus, he’s worked at CNN, so we know that he’s adept at saying things he knows aren’t real in a very convincing tone. That’s all acting is, making people believe stuff that you know isn’t real. One of the main reasons I didn’t nominate myself- I’m too busy giving you the truth.

So, Hollywood fat-cats, step up to the plate and snag a piece of this rising star before it’s too late. America needs it’s balls back, the least you can do is serve them up on a silver platter.