Announcing the next winner of the 2008 “You Suck Awards”.
This person has taken suckability to a new level of suckishness.  She has garnered much attention and has used that spot light to show exactly how suckralicious she is.  It may be the obvious pick for the year, but she sucked so badly that she had [...]

Dear Music Santa,
Thank you for delivering “Chinese Democracy” this year.  I’ve been asking for it since 1999.  Every year since it’s been one crappy album after another. 
Thank you!
I also wanted to thank you for making sure the Winger reunion album did not happen.  I am almost more thankful for that.
So, Music Santa, I would [...]

To whom it may concern:
I understand that you were trampled to death by a mob of thrifty bargain hunters loopy on cranberries and gas station coffee. I was not at a store like Wal-Mart during the mad rush for Tickle-Me-Britney, or whatever the new toy of the season is. I was fast asleep [...]

During the holiday season, there is a hierarchy of gift types to buy.
1. If you like the person and want them to feel cared for, buy them something expensive and meaningful. Jewelry, electronics, diesel…
2. You are OK with this person exchanging oxygen for Carbon Dioxide and you wish them no harm—Inexpensive perfume, faux leather goods, Dollar [...]

I am so glad that Barack Obama was able to bring into the public eye the little known office of “President Elect”.  During the formation of our great nation, our forefathers made the decision of creating three major branches of government—The Judiciary, The Executive, and the Legislative.  What most history books don’t’ tell us is [...]

With the end of the years comes the release of Captain Not’s “You Suck Awards”.  These awards are given out to people who have gone above and beyond their usual suckatude and made a stride towards true suckamation! 
Today’s You Suck Award winner is……Rod Stewart’s son on Celebrity Rehab.
Somehow, this guy was able to pass [...]

Obama may give up his Blackberry.  Will he give up e-mail too?
With the Presidential records act, every bit of correspondence is public record.  Every e-mail back to his buddy making inside jokes about that trip to Secaucus, NJ is public record. Everything.
Even “W” had to give up e-mail because of the possibility of all his [...]

5 tech predictions from 1968 that were dead-on (and 5 that were completely nuts)
40 years ago, science fiction writer James R. Berry predicted what the future would look like on November 18th, 2008.  He nailed a few things including home computers, internet shopping, and even the Roomba. 
In keeping with this tradition, I, Captain Not, will [...]

Now with the election over, the RNC is looking back at what could have been done better.
I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you how to wrangle up the Captain Not Demographic.
First, get an old wrinkly guy with some pudge.  Maybe he could have some weird facial ticks and a creepy look [...]

Two thieves were caught in southern Hungary with 12 pigs stuffed into their tiny van.  My question is…..what were two guys planning to do with a dozen pigs?  Of course, my typical reader will immediately think something perverse. I would argue against that.  If they were hoping to find some “Girlfriends”, then they only really [...]