Here are a few of my favorite quotes:   They certainly give very strange names to diseases. Plato   People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up. Ogden Nash   I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the [...]

It’s always good to have a joke on hand to break the ice during visits to the doctor’s office or waiting for your parole officer. Here’s a couple:   What do you call the strap that keeps an umbrella closed when your not using it? The umbrellical cord.   Did you hear about the guy [...]

Since we must prepare for Halloween all year long, here’s my suggestions for next year’s Halloween costumes:   1. Corn Poop Boy 2. Man with an axe in his groin 3. Dr. Phil (That one is the scariest) 4. Irony 5. Boy with Dyslexia 6. Arm Pit 7. Man with a short attention span 8. [...]

Talk about a huge breast! Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. It’s Cool Whip time! If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst! Whew, that’s one terrific spread! I’m in the mood for a little dark meat. Are you ready for seconds yet? It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat [...]

Being a Captain, I have some experience with managing groups of things….which is similar to budgets.  So in a way you could say that I might be an asset to the Government during this time of need. We all know they passed a $700 billion relief package.  Here’s the true scoop based on all my [...]

With the advent of services like iPodmeister (www.ipodmeister.com), which is a service that will digitize your CDs for you, put them on a new iPod or iPhone and take the CDs as payment, I am wondering is this legal?  After reading an article in the Star Tribune about this very thing, I began to think—will [...]

There are billions of dollars spent every year on diets, weight loss clubs, and gym memberships that all swear they can help you fit into your skinny jeans.  I’ll give you everything you need for free.  Why?  Because I’m a humanitarian and because I think it’s stupid to pay to get rid of anything.   [...]

Every year we all watch Christmas movies.  Classics like “White Christmas”, “Miracle on 34th Street”, “It’s a Wonderful Life”.  Sure there are modern classics now like “A Christmas Story”, “Christmas With the Kranks” and the laborious lame “Jingle All the Way”.  I want “ZING” with my Christmas movies!  I want action!  I want Pizzazz! Here [...]

A mugging quickly turned bizarre when the robber and his victim squared off at a gas station using a most unusual weapon: Squeegees. Police say the would-be bandit asked the 38-year-old victim for a cigarette shortly before 10:45 p.m. Friday as the victim was walking along 118 Avenue near Wayne Gretzky Drive. Before the victim [...]

This went down at a Cheesecake Factory in Arizona, Bryce Fitzpatrick—a food expeditor was attacked by 10 cooks. “About 10-plus cooks and dishwashers shut the lights out,” Fitzpatrick recalls. “A guy grabbed me from behind and made me put my butt on top of his genitals.” One cook grabbed Fitzpatrick’s right leg and held it [...]